The truth about men

I read an article recently where a woman wrote in to complain about how her husband burped, farted and wasn’t all that romantic anymore, etc etc. However, she met a new man that was prefect, he didn’t make rude noises and he listened, etc, etc. The question at hand was should the woman leave her husband for the new guy. While the answer person handled it ok, with a long flowery no. I think my answer is simpler.

All men burp and fart, period. He might not have done it we you were dating, and he still might be able to prevent it in public, but it is a fact of life. We eat more than women and swallow lots of air, and it has to go some where. If you want to leave your husband because he vents enteric gases, either he needs to see a Gastroenterologist because he has a problem or you are too sensitive. Here is the kicker your dream guy does it too, you just don’t live with him so you only see his public face. Remember people can lie about who they are for short periods of time. In my opinion about a month of dates is about are far as it can safely go, but for infrequent contact years are possible. When I say lie I don’t mean he says he is a billionaire investment banker and she claims to be a Ph.D. Aerodynamics engineer who moonlights as model for Victoria’s Secret. I mean lies like he cuts his nose hair regularly and chews his food; she wears full make up and only orders salads. These are the little things people do to make a good impression. Remember in a relationship the first things to go are the niceties, that is the point of a relationship you get to be yourself.

I have well covered the exotic ways men are covertly romantic and how men can do it better. Here is the thing ladies comfort kills romance. You are in a relationship and so there is no need for false gestures, from either side (see above), but you get to be yourself for the rest of your life. Sure he never complements you, which isn’t cool but he doesn’t have to. To most men no news is good news, so unless something radically changes either way, his previous stated opinion still stands. So if two years ago went you got that dress he told you it looked good, then that statement still stands everytime you wear it. However, if he either discourages the wearing of that dress for unspecified reasons or complements you again on it, then something has changed.

Here is a thought can you remember the last time you gave him a complement? Sure men aren’t complement fueled like women but goes along way for us too. Men feel neglected too and will pout too, we can also get you back, with the whole “see how she likes it” theory. Ignore our romantic gestures and contributions at your own peril. You try reaching into a disgusting hair and scum filled drain and cleaning it out bare handed and not even getting a thank you for your trouble.
Ladies, if you wish to fish for returned romance and/or acknowledgement make the first gesture. Don’t buy us flowers cause that isn’t our thing, but certainly you noticed something we like, so if he likes stuffed pork chops, make him stuffed pork chops and when he asks say something like “Cause you deserved a little treat for everything you have been doing around here lately.” Then as you serve give him a kiss and say “Thank you, *pet name here*, I *words of affection here*”. Why be so vague? Cause chances are you don’t exactly know what all he has done, or want you did that annoyed him and guessing wrong is a slight too. Trust me we do the same thing to y’all and it works some of the time, so it should work more on men because we are as a rule less observant of these kinds of things.

Ok I normally don’t talk about sex, but that is a frequent topic of complaint in an established relationship. First off remember “the men believe no news is good news”? It is the same in the bedroom, you keep silent, and he never thinks there is a reason to change. Women forget that sexual pleasure for men is 95% at the end, so anything that delays that is for their benefit. (It is only in the last 100 years, in Western culture that men were even suggested to, that a woman’s pleasure was important). A few thoughts then I will move on, first off if you want great sex and a big dinner, have sex first then dinner, don’t expect a earth shattering performance from your man after a belt busting meal. Second woman if you want to fool around don’t be subtle, if your normal signal that you are in the mood is you change the beat frequency of your blinking to 3.2Hz from 3.6Hz doesn’t work, don’t get upset remember he can’t tell the difference between black and navy. Think of how your man suggests it, and go with that cause that is what he understands. The another trick is modeled after Dr. Pavlov’s work, wear a specific lipstick or perfume when you are in the mood or at least could be put in the mood by his advances. Be subtle here, it make take awhile but soon he will pick it up on it like blood in the water, continue this metaphor in your head, the keyword is frenzy… However, you can only wear it when you are in mood, cause that is what he will think and men in the “mood” have the mental flexibility suggested by the pervious metaphor. I will close this by saying that while for most men all that is required for us to be in the mood is an atmosphere that is above 10% oxygen, but if your man is stressed or in another way distracted from the task a little encouragement from you should be all it takes, by this I mean something that no matter how distracted he is by life, will snap his attention completely back to you….

Why men don’t listen. I have covered this in a previous post, but here is a summary. First off there are sometimes we don’t want to listen. If we are watching TV and you deicide that at the critical moment of the show is when you need to talk to us, you have made a serious tactical error. You want to talk, put on a show we don’t like but tolerate cause you enjoy it, then you have the floor for up to an hour. This is sneaky but can work. If you tell the same damn stories every day. In a relationship you quickly hear all the stories the other person has, so if all you have is what happen today while you were apart, and it never changes then there isn’t much to talk about. This take 5-7 years, and I believe is the source of the “7 year itch”. I would bet that is why the woman in the original question taught the other guy was so great, he was still “fake” and all his stories were new. Never underestimate the power of keeping your mate entertained, if they aren’t entertained by life they get bored and seek novelty elsewhere. This is the biggest problem for people who either only one is working or neither lead an exciting life. In the first case the one at home has few opportunities for new and exciting things, and then the employed half trivializes the stay at home half, in the second case neither party has anything new to report, so neither is that happy. My solution is the people need two things, they each need a separate life so they get some new stories, and they need to spice up their together life. So each should get involved in a hobby or club, the other should support them in that involvement, but they need to do stuff together as well. I am not talking sky diving or the Xgames, but find a together project, or at least every once in awhile get in the car together and do something new. If one trip to Ikea can foster several days of discussion, imagine what weekend trip can do.

I will close with a statement for the women who desire a new man or life cause the old one is boring. Ok here is the deal. The new one you fancy will become the same you have now given time. Look if the was a prefect man, and it could be taught women in mass would demand that the lessons be mandatory at all schools and work places and then go door to door given out DVDs, while they secretly transmitted the lessons as subliminal messages during all televised sporting events, and man oriented programming. If the characteristics were genetic then the few carriers would be used as seed stock for all IVF and sperm bank applications. Ladies the new guy isn’t the prefect man you just don’t know him well enough to see that yet. So before you look else where for novelty, give the old one on a reason to try harder, that uses positive reinforcement, and remember one nice dinner is going to melt years of frost. I am not saying the man isn’t at fault, I am saying that if you are the one who wants change try it in ways he will understand.

I am not sure if it is on here but I wrote a little essay that describes the differences between men and women using an anthropological approach. Since have at least mentioned it before and since I write with a heavy bias to helping women understand and change men, I will end with this. Ladies in anthropology there is no right and wrong only culturally acceptable and unacceptable, so when you deal with another culture you must approach the problem how they perceive it. Your kind has been forced to deal with these other people since the dawn of time, attempts to enforce your cultural views and norms on this most ancient and primitive of societies, will result in increased tension and doomed to failure. Seriously you think you are first woman to have these problems? No, and since there is no book handed down mother to daughter, on how to deal with men and be happy, perhaps you should try something new. Lord knows y’all have tried to force us (the less flexible half) to understand you. I have glanced through the Venus/Mars books and while that is similar it alienates women too quickly. I suggest a more measured approach like opening negotiations between two very dissimilar counties.